Harry Potter and the Sexy Llama
by keanurocks
Summary: The Lives of the Old and New at Hogwarts
1. The Begining

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 1

A boy sat in a tree. "This is really annoying!" he called down to a patio where an extremely fat man and boy were sitting and eating lunch.

"You just stay up there," the man called, while egg salad fell into his large lap. "Oh, boy!" he called. "Clean this up now!" The boy climbed down from the tree and carefully removed the egg salad from his uncle's lap.

"Uncle," he said. "I was wondering if you could take me to London. My friends are meeting up there before we go to school,"

"Perhaps, later," he drawled. The fat boy was quietly watching tv while eating a grilled cheese sandwich with french fries.

The boy, whose name happened to be Harry, scurried upstairs where he packed his trunk. He grabbed that and Hedwig's cage and hurried off to his uncle's car. There, he stole the car and started it with a paperclip. He drove off towards London.


	2. Meeting Friends

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 2

Harry arrived at the Leaky Caldron in time to meet the Weasleys arriving.

"Harry!" Ron said.

"Ron!" Harry said.

"Harry!" Mrs. Weasley said.

"Mrs. Weasley!" Harry said.

"Harry Potter," Mr. Weasly said.

"How do you do?" Harry asked.

"Harry!" the twins called in unison.

"Hello," Harry replied.

"Hi, Harry," Ginny said in a shy voice.

"Why, Hello," Harry said.

"Do you have all of your stuff, Harry?" Mrs. Weasley, the kind soul that she was, asked.

"Yes," Harry said. Ron and Harry embraced.

"Why did you stop writing?" Ron asked Harry.

"Vernon said that if I did, he would lock me in the broom closet with a naked man. I'm sorry," he replied.

"Bloody hell, that guy's evil," Ron said. Harry nodded. They all went inside and met Hermoine.

"Harry!" Hermione said to Harry. "It's so wonderful to see you! Did I tell you? This boy from my neighborhood named Hayden Christiansan asked me out!"

"The first thing she said to me, too," Ron mumbled to Harry.

"Great!" Harry replied enthusiastically.

"LET'S GO TO HOGWARTS!" the twins yelled.

"Alrighty then!" Ron yelled back. They all got on the train and said goodbye to the parents and random people that they were leaving behind.

"Lets take this one," Hermoine said to the boys.

"Dad's got me a new rat," Ron said.

"Let's see 'im" Ron took out a rat that looked almost too familiar to Harry.

"My god!" he said. "It looks quite like McGonagall!" They all looked closely at the rat.

"You're right!" Hermione said. All of a sudden, the rat that Ron had named Izzy turned into a boy.

"Hello!" the boy said.

"Not again!" Ron said.

"I'm Izzy!" the boy who was now identified as Izzy said.

"Cool" the three said in unison.

"I'm your 'pet', I guess," Izzy said to Ron sadly.

"You're a boy, not my pet," Ron said. "I have another rat here that was tested for this crap," He took out a large rat that had grey spots.

"We've arrived!" someone called from another car. The ride had gone quickly.


	3. Start at Hogwarts

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 3

"Loser," Malfoy said as he pushed past Harry in the Great Hall.

"Biotch!" Harry yelled after him. Malfoy looked at him.

"You really couldn't get any more weird," He walked over to his table where there sat a new girl that no one had ever seen before. All the boys thought she was hot, though.

"Who are you?" Malfoy asked the girl.

"My name's Morgan," the girl said. A boy whistled at her and she shot him a look. "Oh, I'm sorry," she said to Malfoy who was obviously hitting on her. "I'm interested in another boy," She quickly glanced at a new boy in Hufflepuff. He was medium height and had medium length black hair. His hair looked a lot like Izzy the Rat-Boy's hair. "You should try to act more like him. Then maybe I'll satisfy you," she said glancing down at Malfoy's oh-so-sexy crotch.

"Will you at least join the Draco Is A Sexy Bastard Society?"

"Uh," Morgan said.

"Hey Morgan," said a boy from Ravenclaw.

"Hey, Lee, thank's for saving me from the totally not sexy bastard." She said to him. Draco herumpfed and then walked over to flirt with Pansy Parkinson.

Hermione was busy telling all of the Gryfindors who sat around her about Hayden Christiansan, who happened to be Morgan's fantasy dream lover.

"He sounds ugly," said a girl named Leila as she flipped her long hair at a cute boy down the table. "What's his name?" she quietly asked another girl at the table named Paige.

"Jub," Paige replied. "Lots of girls love him,"

"And I'm one of them," Leila said, prancing off with her digital camera so that she could sneak a few photos of him. (**a/n:** all of the new people that you haven't heard of all knew each other and went to the same school before Hogwarts. Except for the select few) Jub stood up as soon as Leila snapped her second shot and sat down next to a girl with a HUGE butt. She invited him into her jacket and they started making out in front of Snape who took 5 points from Gryfindor without telling anyone. Paige sighed and looked over at a boy named Ethan who was also in Gryfindor. Later on that.

Back to Harry… Hermione was finished with her extremely long and detailed story and Harry and another boy named David (from Hufflepuff) had a conversation about Britney Spears and how hot they thought she was.

"Attention," Dumbledore announced. "Let the feast begin!" The food magically appeared and Ron pigged out on fried chicken and a new girl named Erica. He totally started sucking her lips off. Anyway, after that, everyone went back to their rooms where they found themselves unpacked. Another bed had appeared for Izzy the Rat-Boy. Seamus took out his walky-talky cell phone and invited this girl Anna up to the room so that they could discuss their current relationship.

"Aw," Nevile said. "This should be guy's night,"

"Like you qualify for that?" Ron said and they all laughed. Anna arrived and started making out with Seamus. All the boys watched them make out until 11:30, when all of the candles blew out. Everyone then went to sleep.


	4. The Fighting

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 4

Weeks later, lots of people were sitting in the Great Hall. "Hey, guys, what's up?" Paige said as she sat down next to Harry, Ron and Hermione.

"Studying," Ron said. "Well, at least Hermione is,"

"Yeah," Harry said, laughing. "Ron is eavesdropping on Malfoy," Paige rolled her eyes.

"Malfoy sucks. Did you see the way he totally hit on Morgan the first day of school?"

"Oh my gosh, I know!" Hermione said, genuinely interested as she looked up from her Potions homework. Paige and Hermione started gossiping about how Malfoy had screwed at least 14 girls in Slytherin… THEY WERE ONLY 13 YEARS OLD! At that moment, a girl named Elizabeth entered the Great Hall. She was in Hufflepuff. She walked over the the boy with the black hair and kissed him hello. Morgan, who was doing homework with Malfoy saw this and furiously stood up. A boy who was startled by this, tripped over a random cord that was just there for this story, and knocked over a group of kids who were talking. Two boys from that group fell over, knocking over a boy who was carrying 2 pitchers of ice water. The water spilled all over Malfoy. Harry, Hermione, Ron, Paige, Leila, Seamus, Nevile and the twins saw this happen and started laughing. Malfoy stalked off behind Morgan, both of them heading in the direction of the Slytherin common room (even though our characters could not be able to know this because the Slytherin common room is in the basement). Just as they were about the exit the Great Hall, Morgan turned around and Malfoy 'accidentally' bumped into her. Then she kissed him and his face went totally red because the only place he had ever kissed a girl and done a girl was in a closet.

"He's purple," Ron commented. They all agreed.

"I'm so glad that it's Saturday. ROCK ON TALENT NIGHT!" said George. Everyone yelled for a second and then went back to what they were doing. Paige continued gossiping with Hermione and then started complaining to her because Ethan had just walked in. After Ethan walked in, another boy walked in. He looked about 13, but he didn't look familiar to many people. He was around 5'4. Random.

"Who's that?" Paige asked Hermione.

"Oh, his name's Keanu Reeves. He's new," she replied.

"My god, he's really fucking hot," Paige said. Hermione made a look as if to say 'ehh,'.

The next day, Paige was sitting near Keanu, who was in Hufflepuff. She looked at him as she talked to Leila. He looked back at her and they made eye contact for a moment. At the end of the moment, he smiled and she smiled back. _He's really cute,_ she thought.

"Paige," Harry said. "Have you noticed that new boy, uh, I think his name is Mark?"

"No, why?"

"I don't know, I saw him putting graffiti on the wall in the boys' bathroom." Paige shrugged.

Meanwhile, Ron was having a ton of fun with his new friend Izzy the Rat-Boy. Izzy liked this girl named Danielle, but she wouldn't look at him because he was half rat.

"I'll talk to her if you want," Leila said to Izzy the Rat-Boy. He said yes.

"Hey, Danielle," Leila said to Julia as she approached the Ravenclaw table.

"Hi,"

"You know that kid, Izzy?"

"Uh, I think so, why?"

"Well, don't tell him I told you, but he likes you- a lot," Danielle's eyebrows raised and she glanced at Izzy the Rat-Boy, who was staring drearily out the large windows overhead. Danielle stood up, her followers behind her. She walked up to Izzy the Rat-Boy and stood into her hip with her hands on them.

"So you like me?" she asked him.

"Uh, yeah," he said, looking a little embarrassed.

"I guess I could try it," she said, glancing down for a second. His eyes lit up.

"Really!" he asked.

"Ok," she said. She then bent over and gave him a peck on the cheek.

"The rest you have to work for," one follower named Lia said.

"Yeah," another named Sandra said. Izzy the Rat-Boy glanced at Leila and said

"Ok," After that, the girl with the HUGE butt walked into the room crying. She was then surrounded by other girls and was never seen again that day. A couple of seconds later, Jub walked in and over to the Gryfindor table. Leila looked up and blushed slightly. He grabbed her and kissed her fiercely. She then wrapped her arms around him and they started making out. Then walked in an oh-so-sexy man with a sword and he grabbed Jub and punched him in the face. Then he started making out with Leila even more fiercely than Jub had. Following the man with the sword walked another man, this one with very fake, long blonde hair and a bow and arrow. He knocked out the pirate with the pirate's own sword and started making out with Leila. By now, Jub, the pirate and the elfy-guy had all been fighting with each other. Leila was VERY thrilled with this. Paige was laughing though. The boy named Keanu saw how much Paige was laughing and came over to calm her down. That thrilled Paige because that meant that a boy was actually noticing her.

"You're Paige, right?"

"Yes," Paige said.

"Well, I just wanted you to know that I think you're really pretty," Paige's face lit up more than Izzy the Rat-Boy's had. Ethan saw Keanu talking to Paige and he felt an urge of jealousy. While more commotion was happening, another boy walked in. He, too, was extremely hot. His name was Ricky Ullman. He walked over to Ethan and grabbed his arm. He dragged Ethan over to Paige and Keanu.

"Hey, Paige," Ricky said. "Which of us do you want?" Paige looked confused but she was still thrilled.

"I like all of you guys," she said.

"No, like, like-like," Ethan said, prying Ricky's fingers from his arm.

"Yeah, I like all of you. You're all nice, funny, sweet and totally cute. How the hell am I supposed to choose?"

"Like this," Keanu said, kissing Paige. They took turns kissing her, as Leila's men did the same thing. They had to get ready soon. Talents would soon be starting.


	5. The Talent Show, The Llama, The HAHAs an...

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 5

"It is time for talents!" Dumbledore said to the 3rd years as the gathered around a stage that had been set up on the floor of the moving staircase room. "First, we have Mr. Erik Obey singing _Somewhere Over the Rainbow_. After that, will be Professor McGonagall lip-syncing _Digital Get Down_. Then is Draco Malfoy singing _I Touch Myself_. Then is Keanu Reeves singing _Cornerstore_. Ethan Rose will be lip-syncing _Such Great Heights. _ Finally, Ricky Ullman will be playing a piece he composed on the drums," Erik started to sing.

"Somewhere, over the rainbow," he sang, his voice cracking.

"This is painful," Leila said the Harry. He nodded. When Erik was done, Professor McGonagall got up and lip-synced to _Digital Get Down,_ which is really a song about having cyber-sex. It was weird. Then Malfoy sang.

"I don't love anybody else, when I think about you," he said, pointing to Morgan. "I touch myself," Morgan blushed, but was happy at the same time. Then Keanu sang, his voice like a beautiful bird flying high above the clouds. Then Ethan lip-synced to a song that Paige loved, and one that he had sent to her. Finally Ricky played a complicated drum solo piece. Ricky, Keanu and Ethan all dedicated their songs to Paige. It was a very interesting night.

"I'm really tired," Hermione said. "I don't even know why. Maybe it was Erik's voice," Ron burst out laughing and everyone else chuckled at Hermione's comment AND Ron.

"Do you see what she does to me?" Ron said to Harry.

"She makes you look like a complete weirdo?" Harry said.

"Yes!" Ron said. Harry rolled his eyes. Meanwhile, Paige was still trying to make up her decision on which boy she wanted to be with. Leila's guys were still in a fistfight over her. The Great Hall's doors burst open in stalked another new boy named Matt. Matt was actually really hot, but he was sort of shallow. Erica, the girl that Ron was kissing, even though he barely knew her, looked at him and sighed.

"He is so hot," she said to Paige. Paige rolled her eyes.

"Ok, I know you like him, and I understand, but you gotta relax about this. You're crazy!" Paige said.

"He's still hot," Erica mumbled to herself. Just then, Malfoy was boasting about his broom record. Morgan sat down next to him.

"Draco, we're supposed to be studying for Divination," she said. Malfoy gave her a sly look. "What the hell does that mean?" she said. Malfoy got up without saying anything and took her the broom closet right outside of the Great Hall. Only a select few in Slytherin can bring up what they did in the closet. You should go ask them.

By now, Jub, the pirate (Jonny Depp) and the elfy-guy (Orlando Bloom) had settled down but were still fighting over who would get Leila. Ethan, Keanu and Ricky still all wanted Paige, but they fought over her without actually fighting if you know what I mean. All of the professors then got up on stage and started to do the robot to _Mr. Robato_. Funny. Filch stopped doing the robot and headed towards the broom closet because he needed to clean up some acid that come from the acid rain falling from the ceiling. He opened the door and there he found Malfoy totally doing stuff to Morgan that she didn't want him doing. Sorry, I can't tell you what.

"GET HIM THE FUCK OFF ME!" Morgan screamed. Filch grabbed Malfoy by his arm and dragged him away from the closet. Headmaster Dumbledore then stopped doing the robot and came to see what was going on. Morgan was sitting in the closet, in an uncomfortable position, I may add (sitting on top of a bunch of mops) crying. Malfoy was laughing in this weird way and Filch brought him to the Headmaster's office where they decided his punishment. And a horrible punishment it was. He was to be suspended, and when he came back, he had to mop every inch of Hogwarts every night before he went to sleep. They knew that he should have been expelled but Lucius would NOT have that happen. Snape, of course, partially defended Malfoy, although even Snape knew that he didn't deserve it. Malfoy was more of a rat then Izzy the Rat-Boy and that's saying something.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth was ignoring Izzy the Rat-Boy while he trailed after her asking her if she needed him to carry her books, do her homework, eat, sleep and go to the bathroom. Yes, very obsessive.

Morgan was now in the hospital wing, everyone making sure that she was ok. She had a lot of visitors.

"How are you!" A Ravenclaw girl named Shannon asked.

"Here are some flowers," the boy who had whistled on the first day of school said. It turned out he had a name. It was Adam (I'll let you guess which one).

"I feel SO bad," Erica exclaimed.

"What did he do to you?" Ron asked.

"Oh my god," Matt said.

"You guys are such losers. She's fine," Mark said. Everyone turned to look at him. "What? It's true," Matt, who was Mark's friend, took him aside and explained to him that you just don't say that kind of thing. Blah, Blah. Of course, Jub, Orly and Jonny were there because Leila was a good friend of Morgan and was spending most of her time by Morgan's bed. Paige also visited frequently and Ethan, Ricky and Keanu went with her. She was still having a hard time deciding, though. Finally, the three boys decided to go back to normal life and leave Paige to her decision. It wasn't that easy for Leila's men. Harry, meanwhile, was having a separate affair. He had found a stray llama wandering near Hagrid's hut and Hagrid was looking after it. Harry adored it. It was a light blonde with a long neck. It chewed funny and looked around a lot. Harry's friends found this extremely funny and sometimes would just sit and watch the llama because they thought it was so funny. After Morgan had been released and was back in her room; FAR, FAR AWAY from Malfoy, everything settled down and they all went back to the Great Hall. Keanu came over and sat next to a bunch of Gryfindors because Paige was one of them. He knew that Ricky nor Ethan had the nerve to sit at another house's table... or at least for a long period of time. Well, it sort of didn't matter for Ethan, because he was in Gryffindor, but Keanu was determined to get Paige for himself.

Soon after, a young first year Ravenclaw walked over to Leila. His name was Fred. "I like you," he said very shyly. Leila looked at her friends as if to say 'awww'. (**a/n:** you should be saying 'awww' right now) Fred was a short, ugly, stump of a boy who had many pimples for his age. Leila patted his head.

"That's so cute," she said. "But I've got 3 totally hot guys fighting over me. You seriously expect me to pick you- a short, fat, ugly, pimply first year –over 2 fully grown men and a very beautiful 16-year-old?" Fred sniffed and ran off crying. Everyone laughed.

"HAHA," Harry said.

"HAHA," Ron said.

"HAHA," Hermione said.

"HAHA," Paige said.

"HAHA," the twins said.

"HAHA," Dumbledore said.

"HAHA," Hagrid said.

"HAHA," McGonagall (who was still doing the robot) said.

"HAHA," Erica said.

"HAHA," Erica's mom said.

"HAHA," Keanu said.

"HAHA," Brad Pitt said.

"HAHA," Ethan said.

"HAHA," Adam said.

"HAHA," Matt said.

"HAHA," Adeyemi said from the Ravenclaw table.

"HAHA," Erik said.

"HAHA," a weird, annoying Slytherin named Yakov said.

"HAHA," HB said.

"HAHA," Lee said.

"HAHA," Mark said.

"HAHA," This Ravenclaw girl named Marie said.

"HAHA," Ricky said

"HAHA," Shannon said.

"HAHA," Ghandi said.

"HAHA," a Slytherin named Heather said.

"HAHA," Jub said.

"HAHA," the girl with the HUGE butt said.

"HAHA," Izzy the Rat-Boy said.

"HAHA," Elizabeth said.

"HAHA," Danielle said.

"HAHA," Lia said.

"HAHA," Snape said.

"HAHA," Sandra said.

"HAHA," the boy with the black hair (Jacob) said.

"HAHA," Leila said.

"HAHA," John Cleese said.

"HAHA," Nevile said.

"HAHA," Seamus said.

"HAHA," Pansy said.

"HAHA," Ava said.

"HAHA," Ringo said

"HAHA," Paul said

"HAHA," George said.

"HAHA," John said

"HAHA," Anna said.

"HAHA," Filch said.

"HAHA," Malfoy said (from his jail cell… just kidding)

"HAHA," Morgan said.

"HAHA," Voldemort said.

"HAHA," Fred said. (**a/n:** I'm sorry, I had to put him in, too)

And as everyone was saying 'HAHA', Keanu grabbed Paige and kissed her with all his might. (**a/n:** he's a very good kisser)

"I think I might pick Keanu," Paige said to Erica after Keanu had gone back to the Hufflepuff common room.

"Really?" Erica asked.

"Yeah," Paige said. "He's sorta been trying the hardest. Not that the others haven't, or anything. Oh what the hell," she said. "He's totally hot and a great kisser, so," Erica laughed.

"Good reasons," she said. Meanwhile, Hermione was obsessing over what to wear on a date with Hayden, who was coming to visit for the weekend. She went through her entire wardrobe. She finally decided for the Saturday, she was going to wear a leather miniskirt, leopard-print tights and a pretty low-cut black halter.

"Too much?" she asked Paige, Leila and Erica.

"Maybe," Paige said.

"Um," Leila started.

"It's perfect!" Erica exclaimed. Then Hermione showed them her choice for Sunday. She had picked a white tank top with a lace neckline, jeans with writing all over them and huge green platform spice girl shoes.

"Um," Leila said.

"Crap," Erica said.

"WONDERFUL!" Paige screamed. She admired the green shoes. It was a shame that the weekend that Hermione was picking the clothes out for was in 3 months. Boo Hoo.


	6. Stuck in Hogsmead

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 6

"Hogsmead permission forms," Filch said. Everyone handed in their slips and walked to Hogsmead. Harry had finally gotten his uncle to sign his form after putting him at wand-point. (**a/n:** haha, like gun-point. Get it?) Keanu had invited Paige to go with him and Ricky and Ethan were furious when she said yes. Hermione was breaking in her green platform shoes. Erica had borrowed Hermione's miniskirt outfit so that she could try to attract Matt. He was wearing normal American clothes, which is sort of weird. I guess not. He's American. In fact, this year, it seemed as if there was a lot more American kids at Hogwarts. All of the new kids had been from America. Leila was wearing half of an elf outfit and half of a pirate outfit. She was also wearing Jub's underwear. I wont get into that. Paige was wearing blue jeans and this awesome orange shirt. Keanu was wearing these very nice looking jeans and a green shirt that made him look extremely hot. (duh). Ron was wearing this really weird hat with little strings hanging off of it. It was really weird. Morgan was back on her feet and looking her best (jeans and a blue shirt). Malfoy was back in school and on his way also. Of course, he had a restraining order, but that wouldn't stop him from showing off his very new and stylish haircut. He had special plans though. Later on that…

"Hey Erica," Matt said. "Looking fine today," She flashed her teeth at him and then totally started making out with him. Whoa. But it's not like he tried to stop her. Anyway. Paige and Keanu walked, their fingers interlaced. (**a/n:** sorry guys. I just had to say that. Well. I guess it's true.) Ricky and Ethan saw this and got really jealous, but it wasn't like they could do anything about it. Poor them. So I guess Paige picked Keanu after all. Good choice. He's hot.

Meanwhile, Ron's hat was attracting attention from everywhere.

"Weirdo," Malfoy said to him.

"This hat happens to be quite in in America!" Ron said (screamed) at Malfoy.

"No it's not," Paige said as she passed by him with Keanu.

"Not at all," Keanu said.

"Hey guys!" Paige screamed to Leila, Erica, Morgan and Matt. "Ron thinks that this thing is quite in in America!" They all burst out in laughter and Malfoy gave Ron a look of disgust. They he snot-rocketed at him.

"GROSS!" Ron screamed as he tried to wipe Malfoy's snot off of him without actually touching it. Keanu, Paige, Leila, Morgan, Matt and Erica were still laughing because even though Ron was their good friend, he was still a loser. Paige and Keanu went into the Candy shop (**a/n:** I forget the name) and he bought her a gigantic box of chocolates. Very sweet. Trust me, she kissed him for that. :D Hermione was buying a big box of jelly beans for Dumbledore so that no one in the Suck-Up Club could out suck-up her. Paige and Keanu got lost in the woods after they made out and needed to ask a man with a turban how to get back to Hogsmead. It was a good thing that Keanu was originally from Lebanon, (**a/n:** the people in Lebanon speak Arabic) because the man didn't speak any English. That's sort of weird if you think of the fact that they were in ENGLAND. By the time they made it back to Hogsmead, (they wandered far into the woods) everyone was gone and the gates, as they could see, were closed to go back to Hogwarts. That meant that they were stuck in the town for the night. Well, at least they had each other.

"Hermione," Harry said. "Do you feel like something is missing?"

"Maybe," Hermione said. "I can't really tell. I'm really excited," She started to hyperventilate.

"Hermione, relax," Harry said, trying to calm her down. Hayden didn't seem _that_ special. But Harry felt like something was missing. He just couldn't figure out what.

At that moment, Paige and Keanu were trying to figure out where to go for the night. They figured that someone would see that they were missing and come looking for them. But they didn't know how long that would take.

"But we're a big part in a lot of peoples' lives. I mean, we dorm with people," Paige said.

"I guess," Keanu said. They were walking down the dirt road. There was a hotel, but they had no money. "Let's just ask them for help. They know Dumbledore," They walked into the hotely-thing and told the person at the desk that they were from Hogwarts and that they were locked out of the grounds.

"Just let me call Dumbledore," the man said. His nametag said 'Joe', but they didn't know if that was his name or not. They guy behind the desk took out a weird bally-looking thing. Blackness. When everything came back to them, they realized that they were laying on the floor.

"What happened?" Paige asked.

"Crucible Ball. You're just not used to them," he said. Keanu gave Paige a weird look and they both got to their feet. "It happens all the time," the guy said, as if that was a reasonable explanation to why they had just passed out. "Dumbledore is coming to get you," At that moment, the door banged open and in walked Dumbledore, McGonagall and Professor Dorrance, who was the Hufflepuff head teacher.

"Keanu, Paige, are you alright?" Dorrance asked the lovebirds. (**a/n: **hehe)

"Yes," Keanu said.

"Yeah, Professor, we're fine. Just a little flustered. That's all," Paige said reassuring the teacher. McGonagall and Dumbledore were talking with the guy behind the desk and another woman, who appeared to be the owner of the Hotel.

"Thank you for calling us," said McGonagall, seeming a little out of breath. Wow. I didn't know teachers cared so much. I guess they could get fired if something happened to the kid. Whatever.

"Yes, thank you, Joe," So it was his real name. "And Susan, thank you also,"

"No problem" the woman who was now identified as Susan said. The two teachers said last words and then took Paige and Keanu back to a small carriage that was waiting for them.

"You did the right thing," McGonagall said.

"Yes, you two did a marvelous job," Dumbledore said. Keanu stifled a giggle. Seeing your teachers do the robot to _Mr. Robato_ makes you look at them differently if you know what I mean. Paige playfully slapped his arm as if to say 'quiet!' But she smiled too. Hey, it is funny.


	7. Hayden Arrives

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 7

It was Thursday and everyone was looking forward to the weekend. Harry, Hermione and Ethan were sitting in the common room doing work.

"How's Eric doing?" Ethan asked. Eric was the name that Harry had decided to name the llama.

"Great!" Harry exclaimed. "I'm teaching him to say 'get off my grill'," Hermione gave Ethan a questioning look and they went back to their homework.

"I just can't take it anymore! I can't wait anymore!" Hermione yelled.

"It's ok, Hermione," Ethan said.

Meanwhile, Matt and Erica were making out in the broom closet.

"You're so hot," Erica kept saying. Sure, it's true, but she just kept repeating herself.

"Thanks," Matt kept saying. (**a/n:** yeah, yeah, don't say anything)

Hermione was still on the verge of hyperventilation, so she decided to go to sleep. The sooner she went to sleep, the sooner she would wake up, right?

"Today's the day!" Hermione screamed, waking up Paige, Leila and Erica.

"Wh-what?" Erica said.

"Hayden will be here in 4 hours!" Hermione yelled. "Oh my god, I can't take it."

"I can't wait until he's _gone_," Paige mumbled almost silently into Leila's ear. Leila nodded in agreement. Hermione was already dressed in her leather outfit. The other girls slipped into sweatpants and dragged themselves downstairs.

"I wish we could have slept more," Leila grumbled.

"Mm," Erica said in agreement. Paige stopped and closed her eyes for a second. Hermione had raced down the stairs, leaving the girls to 'fend for themselves' on the steps. When they got to the great hall, they sat down at the Gryffindor table, where Harry was talking with Seamus and Ethan, and Ron's face was in his oatmeal. Erica giggled at Ron. He was seriously asleep. Matt appeared in the doorway and sat down next to Erica and Leila. Keanu, the risk-taking boy that he was, came in and sat down next to Paige. Even though it was allowed, people rarely sat at tables other than their own. Weird. So I guess it's not really a risk, is it? Anyway. After sitting through an hour-long breakfast, Hermione decided that she couldn't take sitting at the table any longer. Ron had woken up and went for a walk with her. (**a/n:** oooooh) By 11:30, Hermione was waiting by the courtyard for her true love to arrive. Finally, he did. Hayden Christiansen walked in. He was fairly cute, but not the hottie that Hermione had described him as. The whole crew was waiting with her. Harry, Ron, Erica, Leila, Paige, Ethan, Keanu and even Morgan wanted to see Hayden. All of the girls were disappointed though. Except for Morgan. She thought he was hot.

"Hey!" Hayden said as he spotted Hermione. He was Canadian, so he had a funny accent. (**a/n:** he had moved to England when he was 10) Because it was Saturday, everyone was in their normal clothes. Hermione hadn't told Hayden that Hogwarts was a school of magic. She hoped he wouldn't find that part out.

"Hey!" Hermione said, a little too enthusiastically. Erica nudged her. Hayden and Hermione hugged. "This is Harry, Ron, Leila, Erica, Ethan, Paige, Morgan and Keanu," Hermione said.

"Hi, nice to meet you all," Hayden said.

"Hey," Ethan said.

"We've heard a ton about you," Harry said.

"Hi," Erica said.

"Nice to meet you," Leila said, almost too politely.

"Hey," Ron said.

"We sure have," Keanu said in response to Harry.

"Hi," Paige said. But Morgan didn't say anything. She looked stunned, as if she hadn't expected Hayden to look like he did. He smiled at her. It was a shame that he was dating Hermione…

The group walked to the Great Hall. Hermione had requested that the sky in the Great Hall be turned off for the weekend, so that Hayden would not expect anything. She had gotten special permission to let a muggle who didn't know about the wizard world into the castle, and Dumbledore had agreed to ban magic for the weekend… unless it was impossible to do, like the whomping willow, and Hagrid's creatures inside of his hut. Malfoy was still on mopping duty, so at least the castle wouldn't get _too_ dirty. Even though it was _Malfoy_ doing the mopping.

"You look really nice," Hayden said as they walked into the Great Hall.

"Thanks," Hermione said, grinning. "This is Seamus, Nevile and Izzy," Hermione continued to introduce until there was no one left. They all sat down around the Gryffindor table. Harry and Ron sat on either side of Hermione and Hayden sat across from her. Erica was on one side of Hayden, Matt on the other side of her, with his arm around her shoulder. Paige was sitting on Keanu's lap on the other side of Hayden. Ethan was sitting on the other side of Harry and Izzy the Rat-Boy on the other side of Ron. Nevile sat next to Izzy the Rat-Boy and Morgan was sitting next to Ethan. Seamus sat on the other side of Paige and Keanu. Anna came over and sat on his lap for a little while, but then had to go to the library because she had a large report on the werewolf due. Of course, she didn't tell Hayden that. They sat there talking about how great Hermione was because she had given everyone a lecture on what they had to say to Hayden. Matt was massaging Erica's shoulder and Keanu was, well, I'm not quite sure what he was doing to Paige. He was kissing, and smelling and sort of resting on Paige's neck. Ricky had pretty much gotten over Paige, but Ethan was glaring at Keanu. Alie was staring pretty dreamily at Hayden, as was Hermione. Harry was listening intently to Hayden and Ron was noticing that everyone around him had a crush or something and he really didn't. Unless he counted the one he had on Hermione. He didn't really want to think about that though.


	8. Hayden's Stay And Leave

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 8

"So how was it?" Paige asked Hermione. At around 5, Hermione and Hayden had taken a walk through the grounds. They came back into the castle for dinner but ate in the Gryffindor common room by the fire.

"That's romantic," Keanu said when Hermione had told everyone her plans for that evening. After that, they went up to the astronomy tower, where they looked at the stars. Hayden was going to sleep Harry, Seamus, Nevile, Izzy and Ethan's room.

"Very nice," Hermione said. "Very, very nice,"

The boys talked for a little bit and then the candles blew out and they went to sleep. Of course, they had to pretend that _they _had blown out the candles, or else it would have looked suspicious. Moonlight was everywhere and it was pretty bright. The boys tried to go to sleep, but it was hard to when there was a muggle there.

"Did he kiss you?" Erica asked Hermione.

"No," she said. She sounded disappointed. The girls talked for a while longer, by the light of their wands, but they went to sleep soon after.

Hermione slept later the next morning- but not much. At around 8, she woke up and got dressed into the outfit with the green shoes.

"You look great," Paige said to Hermione. Still the shoes. The other girls didn't say anything. The boys (except Hayden) were prepared for the shoes because they had seen them on Erica.

"Those shoes look better on you," Matt whispered to Erica. They started making out because Erica loved it when he complimented her. Hayden saw this and looked a little surprised. I guess the kids at his school were prudes. When Hayden saw Hermione's shoes, he wasn't sure if he absolutely hated them or loved them. Tough decision. Harry's llama, Eric, was having a very easy time learning how to say 'get off my grill'. It looked like instinct to Harry. Meanwhile, Keanu and Paige were positive they were in love.

"Headmaster," Keanu said as he walked into Dumbledore's office.

"Yes, Mr. Reeves?" Dumbledore said.

"I have a, um, quite large request," Keanu said.

"And what is that?" Dumbledore asked.

"Well, my girlfriend-"

"-Ms. Malter?" Dumbledore cut him off.

"Why, yes. Anyway, we're in a _very_ serious relationship and I was wondering if _maybe_ the sorting hat could switch my houses. I think he got it wrong in the first place,"

"_Well,"_ Dumbledore started. It didn't sound good. "We _normally_ don't do that kind of thing, _but_," Thank the Lord. "Us teachers have noticed that the two of you have a special connection and we have agreed that the sorting hat has made a mistake. You must know, that the last time that the sorting hat made a mistake was in 1054,"

"Yes, of course, sir," Keanu said.

"Your belongings have been moved to the room containing Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley, Mr. Longbottom, Mr. Finnigan, Mr. Rose (Ethan) and Mr. McGinn (Izzy the Rat-Boy). Hayden Christiansen will be leaving this afternoon and you will be able to sleep there tonight. The current password for the Gryffindor common room, which is on the 2nd floor, to the right, is 'This Kid,'. Hmm. Quite unusual. Anyhow, you may go on your way,"

"THANK YOU, HEADMASTER!" Keanu said.

"You are quite welcome," Dumbledore replied, looking down at a tiny sphinx that had suddenly appeared on his desk. Keanu raced down the eagle-like-stepy-thingy thing and to the Great Hall, where everyone was sitting and talking. When Paige saw Keanu run in, she stood up.

"What? What?" she asked him. He was really out of breath. He stood there panting for a second. "WHAT!" she screamed.

"He said yes!" Keanu said. They hugged and then kissed. Once again, Hayden was extremely surprised and confused. Stupid prude.

"What happened?" Ethan asked. He knew everyone else was wondering. The couple was out of breath… even though Paige hadn't run anywhere. They were both grinning.

"Dumbledore said," Keanu started.

"That Keanu can join Gryffindor!" Everyone except Ethan was happy.

"This is so unfair!" he complained to Nevile as they climbed the steps… alone. "That was the only thing I had that made me more special than him! And now it's gone!"

"I know, I know," Nevile said. "You think I don't feel the same?" Nevile now had a crush on Marie Jones, a girl from Ravenclaw. (**a/n:** she said HAHA) Marie had a serious boyfriend though. He was another extremely sexy boy named Tom Cruise. And he was in Ravenclaw. Ethan felt like making Nevile feel bad.

"Yeah, but she was _always_ way out of your league. Sorry to break it to you," he said.

"I knew it but you didn't have to say it!" Nevile said. They had made it to the fat lady.

"This Kid," Ethan said. The fat lady opened herself.

"Wait, she changed it _again_?" Nevile said. He had started to write the passwords down on his hand. He took out a pen, crossed out 'Hermione's Hair Sucks' and wrote 'This Kid'. Recently, the fat lady had been using very interesting passwords.

"You really got to keep better track of those things," Ethan said as they walked up the steps to their room. Nevile sighed. He had never been good at keeping track of anything. When Ethan saw the extra bed in their room, he was outraged. "NO!" he screamed. Nevile didn't look _too_ happy either. Ethan took out his ipod and started listening to his favorite songs. Nevile tried to do some Potions homework in bed. That didn't really work out. Harry and Ron had gone to go visit Hagrid and Eric (the llama). Hermione, Hayden, Paige, Keanu, Erica and Matt had gone back to the Gryffindor common room. Keanu was amazed because it was 'so nice'. They all sat around the fire. Erica leaned into Matt and Paige into Keanu. It was easy to see that Hermione was going crazy. Finally, she did it.

"What are you doing?" Hayden asked, inching away from her on the couch.

"FOO!" Matt said. That was weird. Paige covered her mouth and Erica and Keanu looked at Matt. (**a/n:** ha!) Hermione was speechless.

"I think we need to talk," Hayden said to Hermione. The 2 couples watched him pull her out of the room and into the staircase.

"I wonder what they're saying," Paige said.

"What the hell was that?" Erica asked Matt.

"I was wondering the same thing," Keanu said. Matt shrugged. Weirdo. Then Hermione came back in, her eyes and nose red from crying. After her, followed Hayden. He looked fine. Hermione rushed upstairs and Hayden sat down on the couch again. Paige got up and followed her upstairs.

"What happened?" Paige asked Hermione. Hermione was sitting on her bed and hugging her pillow. Paige sat down next to her and put her arm around her… like a half hug.

"He told me," Hermione sobbed. "That I got the wrong impression. And that," Hermione cried for a minute.

"And what?" Paige asked.

"And that these shoes are hideous!" She screamed. Paige rubbed her back.

"It's ok," Paige said. "He's a jerk if he says that. You know it's true. And the shoes rock. Trust me," Hermione sniffed. "I'll be downstairs if you need me," Paige said. Hermione nodded, wiping her cheek with the back of her hand. While that was happening, Eric (the llama) had successfully said 'get out of my grill'. Harry was so proud. Ron was so amazed. Hagrid was so making tea at that moment.

"You said that?" Erica said.

"Yeah, why?" Hayden asked.

"You just don't say that to a girl," Keanu said. Wow. He really knows girls.

"Um, ok," Matt said. Paige had just entered the room. She gave Hayden a dirty look. Matt started cackling hysterically. Without saying anything, Erica dragged him out of the room. Hayden then went upstairs, and Keanu and Paige started making out… again.

"I love the way you understand me," Paige whispered into his ear.

"Well I love you, so I should understand you," Keanu said.(**a/n:** awww, he is _such_ a good boyfriend!)

"I love you too," Paige said. At that moment, Erica and Matt entered the room again, half surprised and half not when they saw Paige and Keanu.

"Get a room!" Matt said, laughingly.

"We _had_ a room!" Keanu said, laughing.

"I'll see you guys later," Matt said.

"Yeah," Keanu said, getting up. "I have to go see my new room!" The two boys walked away.

"What happened?" Paige asked Erica as she flopped down onto the couch.

"I told him that we were through," she said.

"Because he said 'FOO'?" Erica laughed.

"No. I mean, sure, he's totally hot, but for some reason, I don't think we're right for each other," Paige shrugged.

"Your feeling, not mine," Paige said. The girls then started gossiping about Malfoy. It turned out that even though Malfoy had almost raped Morgan, girls were still throwing themselves at him. Weird. Paige and Erica went upstairs to see how Hermione was making out.

Meanwhile, Leila had made up her mind… sort of.

"I want to talk to you," she said to Orando Bloom.

"Sure," he said, dreamily. She pulled him into a dead end hallway that might have led to the Ravenclaw common room, but no one (except Ravenclaws!) knew.

"I have decided that I want to pick you over Jub," she told him.

"Really?" he said, his very hot English accent echoing through the hall.

"Yep," she said. He kissed her and then ran back to his room which was somewhere near Dumbledore's office. Leila sighed, proud of her decision. She walked back into the Great Hall, where Jub was sitting, laughing with his friends. "I have to talk to you," she said to him. She pulled him to the spot where she had pulled Orly.

"I really like you," she said.

"Really?" Jub asked.

"Yeah," she said, kissing him.

"You're picking me?" he asked.

"Sure am," she said.

"Oh my god!" he screamed as he ran back to the Gryffindor common room. Smooth. Leila walked proudly up to her room, where she found Hermione sobbing, Paige reading a magazine called 'Ordinary Witch' and Erica reading a book called 'When The Hot Boy Attacks'.

"Whelp," she said. "I did it," The three girls looked up.

"Did what?" Paige asked.

"I made my decision, silly," Leila said. Erica's eyes widened.

"Really?"

"Yeah," There was a silence.

"Well," Paige said.

"Who did you pick?" Erica asked… and screamed.

"Them both," Leila said, grinning.

"Them both?" Paige and Erica said at the same time.

"Yep!" Leila said, extremely proudly. She told them what she had done.

Now, Hermione had been listening to everything and when Leila was done with her story, she burst out into tears… again.

"What's the matter?" Paige asked.

"It's just," Hermione sniffed. "Leila has two guys and I have nooooone!" she wailed. It took the girls a while to calm Hermione down, and afterwards, she was extremely moody. Erica had found another boy who she was totally obsessed over. His name was Peter Fosho. But his nickname was Murch for some weird reason.


	9. The Throw Out

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 9

And so Hayden went home… to where he really belonged. Hermione stayed upset for quite some time, but went back to normal a couple of days after Hayden sent her a letter saying that he was moving to Uzbekistan. Then, Paige and Erica spent 3 hours trying to figure out new hairstyles. Coolie. Izzy the Rat-Boy realized that he didn't really like Danielle that much anymore, so he dumped her. Trust me, that didn't get a very nice reaction. Hogwarts was busy with the norm. Until one day, everything changed.

"Hey, Hagrid, how's Eric doing?" Harry asked Hagrid as he walked down to his hut.

"Bad news Harry," Hagrid said in Hagrid's voice. "Eric called me a bitch the other day. Did you teach him that?" Harry clapped like a little boy.

"Yay! He learned it!" Harry raced up the hill, even though he forgot to drink his tea, and burst into the Great Hall, where normal kids (except Matt, of course) sat at their normal tables. "Guess what?" He screamed to his friends. "Eric said 'bitch'!"

"Wow, loser," Malfoy stood up and said. "I didn't know that was new vocabulary for you… bitch, Bitch, BITCH!"

"Mr. Malfoy!" Professor McGonagall said loudly. She had just entered the Great Hall to check on her chicken-noodle soup that was in the 'microwave'. "20 points from Slytherin!" she announced.

"What!"

"That's _so_ unfair,"

"I can't believe this!"

"I can't believe _him_!"

"Oh my god!" Were all words coming from the Slytherin table.

"Let's get him!" Morgan screamed. A whole bunch of Slytherin… including Morgan… got up and chased Malfoy out of the Great Hall and up to the Astronomy Tower, where they threw him out the window. (**a/n:** yay!)

"You… suck…" Malfoy managed to say as Madame Pomfrey and her crew carried him to the hospital wing.

"What was that?" Madame Pomfrey asked. "20 points from Slytherin," Then the group of kids that had thrown Malfoy out the window, started to attack him on the stretcher, but Madame Pomfrey thought that was "quite enough". It turned out that Malfoy had both his legs broken and 4 broken ribs. Of course, the kids who threw him out the window didn't care one bit.

"Crazy psycho bitches," Malfoy whispered underneath his breath so that no teachers could hear him.

"I heard that!" Madame Pomfrey called from the other room. "You verbally abused a 'teacher'!" she said, entering the room. "50 points from Slytherin. I cannot believe that even with broken legs and ribs, you are still able to lose points for your house," The nurse tsked and walked to another bed, where there was a boy with a blue spot on his forehead. When the rest of Slytherin found out that Malfoy had lost them 90 points, they were furious… _very_ furious. It was weird that they didn't get in any trouble for throwing Malfoy out of a window… hmmm. Because of the fact that if Malfoy was released from the hospital wing, he would get trampled, Malfoy stayed in bed for a couple of weeks.


	10. The Tie Up, The Realization and The Carn...

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 10

"Attention, attention," McGonagall said, calling all of the Gryffindors to attention. The room shut up. "Thank you. We have finally figured out what this Saturday night's evening activity is going to be," A few kids cheered. "Carnival!" More kids cheered. "Of course," McGonagall continued. "If you don't want to go, you don't have to. You don't have to do it as long as you do not wander into the Astronomy tower. It is off limits for the next week,"

"Cool! Carnival!" Ron exclaimed. He shut up. He was shyer around Erica because he made out with her on the first day of school. Ok. It was Thursday evening and everyone was about to go to dinner. The children piled out of the common room.

"Oh, Harry," McGonagall said. "Don't forget, You have Quidditch practice tomorrow," McGonagall was now a huge fan of Harry's Quidditch gift and that was the only thing she ever talked to him about. Stupid teacher. Yeah, right, they 'have lives'.

"Hey dude," Murch said, slapping someone's hand. Erica sighed… well… she didn't _really_ like Murch. She just thought he was funny. (**a/n:** he **is** funny!)

Ethan had decided that if he couldn't get rid of Keanu, he might as well try to be friends with him. It was a good thing that Keanu was a totally nice guy. They were actually getting pretty close. It helped that their beds were right next to each other, though. Ethan had learned all about Keanu. He knew about his family and his home. And Keanu knew the same about Ethan. It was cool.

"Hey, Ethan," Harry said. "Why do you think the Astronomy tower is off limits next weekend?"

"I don't know," Ethan said. "Who cares?"

"I don't know," Harry said.

"Hey, Hermione, come here," Hermione heard from behind her. It was Paige.

"What happened?" Hermione asked.

"Ugh, Ron tied me up again." Hermione helped Paige out of the ropes that Ron had tied her up in.

"Why does he do it?" Paige asked Hermione and no one.

"Don't ask me," Hermione said. "He can be cool sometimes, but he's really a crazy asshole. I don't even know why I spend so much time with him!"

"Because he's Harry's best friend," Paige said. Hermione sighed. She wished she could find another boy to obsess over. And Paige, Leila and Erica knew it.

Paige sighed. "Who is the most romantic boy you know?" Paige asked her as they walked slowly out of the common room.

"Keanu," Hermione said. "You guys are great together,"

"Who else?" Paige asked.

"Maybe…" Hermione paused. "…Ethan?"

"And who's the funniest?"

"Murch,"

"Yeah, well other than him,"

Hermione shrugged. "Well, Ron's sort of funny in a weird way. Ethan's funny too,"

"Who's the nicest guy you know?"

"You can't ask me that! Most of the boys I know are nice!"

"Who is the bravest?" Hermione shrugged. "Who is the hottest?"

"Maybe… Matt? Or Keanu. Ethan's cute though,"

"Who's the most independent?"

"Ethan,"

"What about the most sensitive?"

"Keanu," Paige gave her a look. "After him, probably Ethan,"

"Sounds to me that you like Ethan," Paige concluded. "You said that he was second most romantic, the funniest, the most independent, second most sensitive and that he's cute,"

Hermione looked at Ethan down the table. Did she like Ethan? She _could_ like him. "Thanks, Paige!" She said. Paige sat down next to Erica and Keanu and across from Ron, Seamus and Izzy the Rat-Boy.

"What was that?" Keanu asked her.

"Just trying to help her figure out which guy she likes," Paige said.

"And what do you conclude?" Keanu asked.

"Well," she said. "She said that you were the most romantic, sensitive and that you were hot. But of course she'd say that. Its true!" She kissed him on the cheek and helped herself to food. "I don't know if she'd want me to tell you who she thinks she likes, though," Keanu let it go. He _was_ very sensitive and understood when people didn't want to talk. It used to happen to him.

"Ugh, come on, tell us!" Ron said. He was eager to know if it was him.

"I can't until I ask her," Paige said, biting into a piece of chicken.

"So then go ask her!" Paige sighed, getting up.

"Hey Hermione," She said, walking up to her. "Can I tell people who you 'like'?"

"Sure, just make sure that they are someone won't tell anyone," Paige went back to her seat.

"I can't," she said. She wouldn't trust Ron with a secret like that.

"Aww, come on," Ron said.

"No, Ron!" Paige said. They finished their meal as they talked about the U.S. President Bush and how he was ruining America. Finally, it was time to go back to the common room.

"Just tell me," Ron complained, as he dragged himself behind Keanu and Paige.

"Ron," Keanu said. "If Paige doesn't want to tell you, then she doesn't have to tell you! Let it go! If I may say so, it sounds like _you_ like Hermione and want to know if she likes you back!" Ron shut his mouth. Keanu was good! He kissed Paige's cheek.

"I heard him mumbling to himself," he whispered into her ear. Paige laughed.

The two days had gone by and it was finally time to get ready for the carnival. They set it up on the Quidditch field and beyond because they knew they would have more than enough room. The lights that were lighting up the dark field were like magic (duh). There was a Ferris wheel, 3 big roller coasters, a small roller coaster, a tunnel of love, the swings, a thunderbolt, a tilt-a-whirl, a 10-story drop and lots of game and food booths. It really was like a carnival. It was totally awesome.

Hermione had decided she was going to tell Ethan she liked him then. Some how she would trap him somewhere. Erica had asked Murch if he wanted to go with her- as friends, of course. Leila didn't go with anyone because, obviously, that would screw up her plans. Paige and Keanu went together… naturally. Tom (Cruise) was sick, so Nevile asked Marie if she wanted to go. Of course, she asked him of it, and he said that he just wanted to 'get to know' her. Yeah right. Anyway. Harry had asked Morgan to go, and she said yes because he seemed like a nice guy after saving Hogwarts two years in a row. Ron went alone… naturally. Malfoy found some random slut to go with… even though most of Slytherin hated him. She might have been in Ravenclaw, though. The group of kids split up and went their separate ways.

"Let's go on the thunderbolt," Marie said to Nevile. Of course, he said,

"Sure," Too bad it made him throw up.

"We should go on the swings," Murch said.

"Eh, maybe later," Erica said. "The Orbiter looks better," So they went on that.

Paige and Keanu had done the small roller costar, 2 big ones, the swings, the thunderbolt, the tilt-a-whirl and the 10-story drop in an hour and a half.

Harry and Morgan were having a great time going on all of the rides. They both didn't like the small ones so they repeatedly went on all of the roller costars and drops.

Ron had found a cute first year and spent the night on the Ferris wheel with her because she refused to go on anything else.

Leila spent the entire night playing skeeball because she really wanted the remote controlled car.

Hermione had spotted Ethan playing a shooting game a couple of yards away from the Ferris wheel. "Hey, Ethan," she called. He finished his shot and looked up.

"Yeah?"

"Go on the Ferris wheel with me,"

He looked a little confused, but said, "Sure,". Now the Ferris wheel is not _always_ romantic but it sure can be if you say the right things. They got on a small red car because Hermione insisted that they didn't take up that much room. Ethan looked a little nervous, but Hermione was his friend and he didn't know why he was so edgy. The Ferris wheel took off.

"It's so beautiful," Hermione exclaimed as the looked down on the carnival. She waved to Leila who was taking a break from her game. Ethan glanced at her from the corner of his eye. When they were right on top, the wheel stopped. "Ethan, I have to tell you…" Hermione trailed off.

"What?" he asked.

"I like you," Hermione turned red. He looked at her. She was sort of a loser, but since he couldn't have Paige due to Keanu, he decided he could give Hermione a try. But he didn't know what to say. "Ethan, did you hear me?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah," he said. "I could try," Hermione was so excited, that she jumped out of the car before it was completely stopped and it resulted to a broken ankle. Now Ethan _really_ thought she was weird.

Keanu and Paige went on the Ferris wheel and then the tunnel of love where they proceeded to make out in a swan-boat. (**a/n:** hehe)


	11. The Agists

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 11

After the carnival, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Erica, Leila, Paige, Ethan, Keanu and Nevile went back to the Gryffindor common room.

"Whelp," Ron said. "That was fun,"

"Yeah," Erica said.

"Yup," Keanu said.

"Sure, whatever you say Ron," Hermione said. She was just happy because Ethan. But Ethan was still sort of confused. He didn't even know why. They all started talking about quantum physics. (**a/n:** I don't even know what quantum physics are) All of a sudden, Seamus ran in, all out of breath. Everyone looked at him.

"Malfoy," Seamus breathed. "He," he collapsed into a chair.

"What?" Keanu asked.

"He," Seamus said faintly. "He ate an," Ron's hand was moving violently as if to say 'yeah… continue…' "He at an… …Agist," Erica, Leila, Hermioine, Paige and Ron gasped quietly (silently). The boys were just silent. (**a/n:** hehe, Ron is a girl)

"Who's?" Erica asked very softly. Seamus sighed.

"Dumbledore's," The room was silent. It helped that they were the only ones in it though.

"Wow," Paige said. (**a/n:** An Agist is a little demon that everyone (at least everyone in Hogwarts) keeps to rid them of diseases. The little demons soak up the germs and store them in little blue horns that stick out of their head. Quadrillions of deadly bacteria are kept in the horns. If accidentally swallowed, one should go straight to the emergency room to get their stomach pumped. If purposely swallowed, one should consider oneself extremely stupid. Agists are extremely deadly if ingested. If an Agist is lost, one should go immediately to the Ministry of Magic, especially if one is aged, because one will most certainly catch Gramis Calapsi, an extremely deadly bacteria found… well… in people without Agists!).

"He's in the hospital wing," Seamus said. He had caught his breath in the silence. "Along with Dumbledore," Erica's hand was over her mouth (**a/n:** where it should be… jk jk, Erica)

"Oh my god" Leila said.

The room's mouth was open.

"Fucking idiot," Ron said. Everyone glared at him. Even though Malfoy was their rival/enemy, they felt bad that he had eaten an Agist. That meant no more fighting. No more name-calling. As Harry thought about this, he realized that without Malfoy, life would be good to him. Wait, what about the Dursleys? Maybe he could slip a couple of Agists into their food that summer.

"Yes!" Harry screamed out. He then realized he had just acted as obnoxious as Ron had, which wasn't a very good idea when there were girls in the room.

"Harry!" Leila said. "Malfoy may not be our friend, but he's still a person! We should go see how he's doing,"

"I think I'll stay here," Ron said.

"I'll be here too," Harry said. Seamus was still out of breath.

"There's no way I'm going near that douche!" Nevile exclaimed. "He deserved what he got!"

"I'm not gonna go to see Malfoy, but for Dumbledore," Ethan said.

"I'll come," said Keanu, the beautiful, sexy, hot, caring, sensitive, romantic boy that he was. So Leila, Erica, Hermione, Paige, Ethan and Keanu started off towards the Hospital wing. None of them were really going for Malfoy, but for Dumbledore. Dumbledore was the one that had accepted them, cared for them and believed in them. He also let Keanu join Gryffindor. They had to repay him for that _somehow_. When they entered the Hospital wing, they saw 2 beds that were clearly being occupied by the people surrounding them. They noted that one of the beds had no Slytherin crowded around it. That had to be Malfoy. There were only a couple of kids surrounding Dumbledore's bed. The 3rd year Gryffindors gathered around.

"How are you feeling?" Ethan asked.

"I feel so bad!" Paige said.

Erica burst out into tears.

"I am fine, fine," Dumbledore said in a very soft and raspy voice. Erica threw her arms around him.

"Please don't die!" she screamed. Dumbledore chuckled.

"Don't worry, my dear," he said. "I will be fine," Erica stifled her tears and apologized for her rash actions.

"We just wanted to see how you were doing," Keanu said in his beautifully unique and polite voice.  
"Fine, fine," Dumbledore repeated.

"Ok, everybody out, these two men need their rest!" Madame Pomfrey announced "Well, I guess one is a man and one is a stupid little boy who ate an Agist," she said, mostly to herself. Keanu smiled at Paige. And of course, because no one can resist a smile coming from him, so Paige grinned back.

"I love you," he mouthed.

"I love you, too" she mouthed back, which was sort of weird because they didn't need to mouth. They could straight out say it. Anyway. So back the 3rd year Gryffindors went to the Gryffindor tower where they found Nevile, Ron, Harry and Seamus playing BS by the fire. Harry looked up when they entered.

"How's Dumbledore?" he asked.

"You should go check for yourself," Ethan said. "Oh wait, you can't, they sent us back," He was sort of angry that Harry didn't go with them if he cared about Dumbledore. Don't ask _me_ why. Ethan half stormed upstairs where he pulled out the only magazine he was able to find; Magic: the Guide to Finding the Perfect Spell. Every month, it had the spell of the month and other uninteresting facts about magic… some newly discovered. He opened it and it magically (**a/n:** hehe) flipped to the spell of the month. Amazing! He angrily tried the spell of the month: Kemo Tempur. He said the spell and waved his wand but only a few sparks came out. He read on.

_"The spell should produce a blue glow around the wizard who is producing the Kemo,"_

"Yeah, but what does it do?" Ethan asked… out loud… weird.

"You idiot!" said a voice.

"What? Who said that?" Ethan said.

"Over here, you Dingleberry!" Ethan looked all over the place where he had heard the voice. "Right here!" There, sitting on his bedside table, sat an Agist. _His_ Agist.

"What do you want?" Ethan asked.

"You are shit head, you know that?" the Agist said.

"Why?" Ethan asked.

"First of all, that spell makes the person you 'hate' more desirable to everyone!" You want Keanu to get more attention then he already has?"

"I'm friends with Keanu though," Ethan said.

"Bull shit," the Agist said, climbing onto the bed. "I know you. I know that secretly you want him to die and burn in hell where he belongs!"

"No," Ethan said. "He's not a bad guy," The Agist cackled.

"He stole the one you want," the Agist said quietly. "You've gotta repay him for the pain he put you through,"

"Ok, sure, he put me through some pain, but that doesn't mean that he belongs in hell! Everyone does things to hurt other people. He would have done it even if it _weren't_ me. He just wanted her as much as I did. Plus, he probably had more experience. He's a nice guy. He didn't do anything wrong," Ethan turned away. "I hate this shit," he said quietly to himself.

"I heard that!" the Agist said.

"Hey!" Ethan yelled. "I give you my germs! Don't complain!" The Agist harrumphed and jumped back onto the bedside table. Right where it belonged.


	12. The Break Up?

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 12

After Ethan cooled down, he went back down to the common room, where everyone was still hanging out.

"What was that about?" Erica asked him when he sat down.

"Sorry Harry, I just got a little hot."

"S'nothing," Harry said. "But what took you so long?" he asked.

"Oh, I found my Agist. I was arguing with him," Everyone nodded. Agists always fight with their owners.

"Yeah, one time I had a fight with mine because it disagreed with me when I said that Keanu was the sweetest and most sensitive guy I knew," Paige laughed. Keanu smiled and Ethan looked at them. Well, at least they were happy. (**a/n:** VERY happy)

"And one time I had a fight with mine when I said that Paige was the most desirable and most beautiful girl I knew. I won," Keanu said. "I love you," he said quietly to her.

"I love you too," she said. They kissed. Once again, they sort of didn't need to do that, but whatever. Erica saw a speck of jealousy in Ethan's eye.

"Relax," she whispered to him. Hermione saw it too. She got up and sat next to him. Actually, she just sort of pushed Erica away and _then_ sat next to him. She could

really be rude when it came to boys. Ethan looked at her cautiously.

_At least her hair is not all over me the way she is,_ he though. And as if she had heard him think that and wanted to do something in spite of him, she undid her hair. It was even curlier than usual because it had been in a braid. _Great_, he thought. Then he realized that he should tell her off.

"Hermione? Can we talk?" he asked her. It didn't really matter if he asked it or not, because he dragged her out of the room by her arm.

"Sure, what is it?" she asked.

"You know how I said I would go out with you?" She nodded. "Well I decided that it wouldn't be the best idea," he said. She looked at him, tears forming in her eyes.

"Not again!" she screamed as she rushed up the stairs to her room. Once again, she flung herself down onto the bed and sobbed until she could no longer.

"What happened?" Paige and Erica asked as they entered the room.

"Ethan," Hermione sniffed. The girls waited her to finish her sobbing fit. "He broke up with me!"

"Um, were you guys ever going out?" Erica asked. Hermione glared at her. Paige and Erica exchanged glances.

"We'll leave you here. But if you wanna talk, we'll be downstairs," The girls walked downstairs to find Ethan telling the boys (and Leila) about what had happened between him and Hermione.

"She asked me out and because I couldn't get the person I _wanted_, I said sure. But then she got all clingy and weird on me so I said that it shouldn't happen," The boys nodded but Leila stayed silent. She was thinking about what she had done. The reason that she hadn't picked Jonny was because she didn't want to ruin his life with his other girlfriend and kids. But that didn't mean that what she did with Orlando and Jub was right. She was going to have to pick.

"She's really upset," Paige said. Ethan rolled his eyes.

"She should have seen it coming. I mean, how clingy can you get?"

"But you shouldn't have told her you would go out with her in the first place if you didn't really like her," Paige argued.

_But I can't get the girl I like_, Ethan though. _And she knows_, Paige plopped back down next to Keanu.

After another conversation about Brad Pitt, they all decided to go up to bed. It was already 11:30.

"Ugh!" Ethan said as the boys brushed their teeth.

"Ok," Harry said, about to attempt to cure Ethan from the thing he was going through. "Why do you like her so much?" he asked.

"What do you mean?" Ethan asked.

"What don't you like about her?"

"Nothing," Harry sighed. This wasn't going anywhere. He stopped attempting.

"Ethan," Ron said, toothpaste flying everywhere. "Why don't you try and like someone else?"

"You guys don't know how I feel," Ethan said. Ron shut up (like he should). The boys decided that Ethan had no hope and they all went to bed.


	13. Death of Malfoy

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 13

"Who's up for Monopoly!" Erica said as she dragged the box into the common room. The group of 3rd year Gryffindors had lately spent much more time in the common room and less in the Great Hall. Well, certainly since Keanu had joined Gryffindor, at least.

"I'll play," Paige said. Keanu was on a camping trip in India. (They traveled by broomstick, so the trip was quick).

"Yeah, me too," Harry said.

"Coolie," Erica said. They set up the game. All of a sudden, Seamus came bursting into the room (again).

"Malfoy!" he yelled. "He, he,"

"Spit it out!" Ron yelled.

"He's dead!" The room fell silent and everyone looked at each other and down at the ground.

"He's really… gone?" Ron whispered, but the room was so silent that everyone heard it.

"PARTY!" Harry screamed, and everyone cheered. They felt bad when Malfoy was sick, but not when he was dead. I mean, he was already dead! For some odd reason, party supplies (streamers, balloons, a boom box, ect.) appeared all throughout the common room. Harry turned on some weird beat and everyone partied! By 10:00 (pm), the room had calmed down and the party supplies and disappeared.

"How did they ever appear?" Ethan asked.

"Oh," Hermione said. She was still mad at him… sort of. "When ever someone screams PARTY, like Harry did, then that'll happen" Hermione once again sounded like a know-it-all. Everyone sighed. They thought that she had grown out of that. She glared at the first person in her sight; Ron (because she couldn't glare at everyone).

"What did _I_ do?" he asked. Hermione didn't say anything, but turned away and walked up to the girl's dormitory. "What did I do?" he asked the room. The room rolled its eyes. "Stupid room," Ron mumbled as he walked upstairs. (**a/n:** when I say the room rolled its eyes, I mean the people in the room AND the actual room rolled their/its eyes)

The boom box was playing softly in the common room as kids chatted and some read books/magazines.

"Ooh, this song is the _best_!" Leila said when Back Here (BB Mak) came on the radio.

"This song sucks," Nevile said. "Change the channel!"

"No way, this song rocks!" Paige said.

"I have to agree," Keanu said (**a/n:** he is SOOO sweet)

"Naw, this song sucks," Harry said. Everyone started arguing. It was weird. All of the English kids hated the song and all of the American kids loved it. BB Mak is an English band. What ever.

"Hey, HEY!" The twins had just walked in. "Enough fighting!" they said. "You guys should go to bed. Tomorrow's classes," The 3rd years looked at them as if they were crazy parents.

"I'm gonna go to bed," Paige said. Slowly, everyone got up and went back to their dormitories where they all went to sleep.


	14. Return of Malfoy

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 14

Four weeks had gone by since the death of Malfoy and everybody was having a marvelous time without him. It was Friday night and Harry, Hermione and Ron were going to Hagrid's hut for tea. They weren't supposed to be out of the castle but they had done it before.

"Now, when you are done with your tea, back to the castle with you," Hagrid said the adolescents. They all nodded and sipped their tea peacefully. After 7 minutes of sipping and chatting, Hagrid looked out the window into the dark night sky. "Snape!" he said. "Out, out the back door," he said. Harry, Hermione and Ron dropped their cups, Ron's cracking on the hard floor.

"Uh," he said.

"Don't worry about it!" Hagrid said, pushing them out the back door. At that moment there was a sharp knock on the door. Hagrid opened the door and tried to act surprised.

"Professor Snape!" he said. "Why, it's quite a surprise to see you here at this late hour,"

"Quiet yourself," Snape said. "It's only 8," he said as he entered the hut. "Hagrid, we have slight si-" he froze. "Who was here?" he asked.

"Wh-what are you talking about?" Hagrid asked.

"There are 3 cups on the table and one cracked on the floor. It certainly looks like someone's been here,"

"No," Hagrid said. He needed to think of something fast. He had to embarrass himself. "I was having a tea party with my imaginative friends," he said, looking down and feeling ashamed. Snape stared at him.

"I should have guessed," he hissed. "Malfoy has now been dead now for about four weeks and I am here to collect anything that you," Snape gave Hagrid a funny look. "Might have of his,"

"No, don't have anything of his," Hagrid said.

"Ok, then I'd better leave," Snape said, flipping his cape out and exiting, leaving the door wide open for Hagrid to close.

At that time, the three kids were trying to maneuver themselves through the pitch darkness.

"Muhmeay," Harry heard.

"What was that?" he asked the other two.

"I don't know," Hermione said.

"I didn't hear anything," Ron said.

"Muhmeay," the noise sounded again.

"Ok, I heard it that time," Ron said, his voice cracking in fear.

"Who's there?" Hermione asked.

"Muhmeay,"

"Hello?" Harry said. At that moment, Ron tripped over something.

"Muhmeay," the thing said.

"Lumos," Hermoine said, her wand illuminating. Why didn't they think of that _before_? The trio gasped.

"Malfoy!" Ron said.

"Muhmeay," Malfoy said.

"He's saying Mommy," Harry commented. Hermione, although Malfoy had called her a mug blood so many times, helped him up off of the ground.

"Muhmeay?" he said, touching Hermione's face.

"No, no, I'm not your mommy," she said. The trio dragged Malfoy back inside Hogwart's walls and up to the hospital wing without being seen.

"Madame Pomfrey! Madame Pomfrey!" They called.

"What's all of this noise?" Madame Pomfrey asked, walking into where the kids were standing. "Wh - Draco!" she screamed.

"We found him wandering in the Astronomy tower," Ron lied.

"Yes," Hermione said.

"Oh, oh dear," she said, laying down Malfoy in a vacant bed. "Thank you, children," she said. "You may leave now," The trio went back to the Gryffindor common room, where they told Erica and Nevile about their adventure. Paige, Keanu, Seamus, Anna, Ethan and Erica had gone to Hogsmead because there was a special trip that evening.

"Maybe we'll get metals," Ron fantasized.

"Yeah, and maybe Hayden will write me and tell me that he's moving back to England and that he likes me," Hermione sighed. Harry rolled his eyes and his two pathetic friends. He wondered why he didn't hang out with Ethan and Keanu more often. They didn't do the things that his other, old, English friends did. He realized that being an American rocked… and maybe, it occurred to him, he should try and adapt to the American accent. It _was_ cool. (**a/n:** FYI, _I_ think that English accents are _much_ cooler than American accents) Sometimes, at night, when no one was in the common room, he would go down and try to imitate the accent. It was hard.

"Loser," his Agist would say to him.

"Shut up," was always his comeback. Maybe he _was _a loser. _I should try and become cool_, he though. Meanwhile, Eric the Llama was making large improvements in speech. He could say:

Shut up

Get off my grill

Lesser of two evils

your name here – son

Anglosaxon

AAAH

Harry was so proud. Ron was so amazed. Hagrid was so making tea at that moment.


	15. Biggi

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 15 (This chapter is Souly Dedicated to Erica and Biggi)

"FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS DATE BIGGI!" Erica screamed. She and Paige burst into giggles.

"What? What?" The boys asked.

"Nothing," they both gasped.

"Biggi," Erica said quietly. They both started laughing again.

"WHAT!" the boys screamed.

"Nothing, you wouldn't get it!" Erica said, burst into laughter and Paige remained on the floor where she had collapsed because she was in a fit of hysterics.

"Friends… don't… let… friends… date…. BIGGI!" The boys were now sure that the two girls were mentally insane. Leila and Hermione had gone kiting for the week (kite-flying)

"You're mental," Ron said.

"What are they _talking_ about?" Harry asked Ethan, thinking that because he went to their school before Hogwarts, he would have an idea what they were laughing about. Ethan shrugged.

"I'm not a girl,"

"Biggi!" they squealed.

"Who is Biggi!" Ron yelled. Erica had subsided in a large arm chair and Paige was still rolling around on the ground. When Ron said 'Biggi' the girls' laughter grew louder. Keanu helped Paige get up from off the ground, and helped her to a couch where she could laugh without hurting herself. After 10 more minutes of laughing, the girls finally calmed down.

"Who is Biggi?" The boys kept asking the girls.

"Wait, Biggi?" Keanu asked.

"Yes," Paige said. "Why?"

"I used to know a woman named Biggi. She was my aunt's roommate from college," The girls' eyes widened. They looked at each other.

"You're shitting me," Erica said.

"No," Keanu said. "Why?" The girls burst out into laughter, but refused to tell anyone why and who Biggi was.


	16. Ron Finds Out the Truth

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 16

The week after the Biggi incident, Harry announced to his friends that Eric the Llama was ready for show. He had been working with him without the watch of anyone but Hagrid for around 3 weeks. So the teenagers gathered around Hagrid's pumpkin patch (where there were currently no pumpkins because it was December) No one could believe that it was still December. But it was and not cold at all. So they gathered around, sitting on bales of hay, and waited for Harry to come out with Eric the Llama. After 5 minutes of waiting, Harry finally came in, leading Eric the Llama on a thick green rope.

"Ok," Harry said. "First," He held up his hand with one finger sticking up in Eric the Llama's face.

"Shut up!" Eric the Llama said. Harry held up his second finger with the first.

"Get off my grill!" Eric the Llama squawked. Harry put up his third.

"Lesser of two evils," Fourth.

"Paige-son. Ron-son. Leila-son. Morgan-son." (He had also taught Eric the Llama all of the names of his friends… and enemies. He trained him with pictures)

Fifth. "AAAH," Eric the Llama screamed. Erica giggled.

"Finally," Harry said, putting up his sixth finger (on his other hand, duh).

"Hey sexy, wanna go out some time?" Eric the Llama said. Everyone burst out laughing and Eric the Llama screamed "AAAH" again.

"He's great!" Ron exclaimed.

"No shit Sherlock," Paige said. Erica giggled again. Everyone turned to her.

"Why do you keep giggling?"

"It's just…" She giggled again. "Friends don't let friends date BIGGI!" Paige and her burst into laughter… again, but it didn't last like the other one. After cracking up for a minute, they calmed down again.

"Mental," Ron said.

"I heard that, Ron," Paige said. "And I think you're just weird," Ron sniffed. He had always known it, but no one had ever straight out said it.

"Really?" he said, his voice high.

Paige nodded, her eyebrows up. Ron scampered up the hill and landed himself in the girls' bathroom; right next to Moaning Myrtle.

"What happened?" she asked him, giggling.

"My friend just called me weird," Ron said, his head over the toilet. He knew he wouldn't throw up but it made him feel more comfortable.

"He he," Moaning Myrtle said. "That's something that no one has ever called me. Cry baby's the one I get the most. Is that what people call you?"

"NO!" Ron screamed at her. "Just leave me alone! You're not helping!" Moaning Myrtle slipped into a toilet where Filch saw her playing Solitaire for a week straight.


	17. The Third? Break Up

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 17

"Ok, I gotta do it," Leila had decided. She was going to dump Jub because she thought that he was too much of a sex monster.

"Good luck," Paige and Erica said.

"Thanks," Leila walked downstairs to the Great Hall and walked over to Jub. "We need to talk,"

"Sure, my lovely," he said. She dragged him out of the Great Hall and into the hallway near the broom closet. "What is it?" he asked.

"I can't see you anymore," she said. "Well, I can _see_ you but we can't date or anything,"

"Why?" he asked, tears welling up in his eyes.

"Because I like Orlando more and you are too much of a sex monster," was her reply. Jub burst out crying and jumped into the broom closet. Leila decided that he took it fairly well and walked back to the common room.

Jonny had gone back home to his girlfriend and kids but Orlando was still staying in the guest room near Dumbledore's office. She decided that she would be more open with her relationship with Orlando. But that would start tomorrow.

"How'd it go?" Erica and Hermione were sitting in the common room talking about how romantic and sweet Keanu was towards Paige (and them but not in a girlfriend/boyfriend kind of way). (**a/n:** of course)

"Fine. I think he took it good,"

"What happened. He didn't cry?" Erica asked.

"No, he did,"

"Then it _didn't_ go well," Hermione said.

"No, I was expecting him to do more, but he didn't,"

"What did you expect him to do/"

"I don't know… ravage me?" (**a/n:** that word was taken from Lei454's story and means… well… _you_ go look it up) The two girls rolled their eyes.

"Do you expect _all_ boys to ravage you?"

"No, just the ones that like me the way they do," Erica laughed.

"You're crazy. You're fucking crazy,"

"No, Erica, poor people are crazy. I'm eccentric. I have everything I need in the world of boys," (**a/n:** rock on Speed) Leila pranced up the stairs to her dormitory and went to sleep early because she was ready to 'start her next life' with Orly.


	18. The Art Classes and Boys

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 18

Five days had gone by since Leila's new and improved life had changed. She was now spending as much time a day with Orlando as Ron was listening to this group that Ethan had showed him; the Postal Service. He was constantly seen with white headphones coming out of his ears from Ethan's ipod. Paige was trying to get her parents to send her her ipod but she was having trouble trying to convince them that it was NOT dangerous walking around Hogwarts with headphones.

Dumbledore had decided that the kids needed a way to express themselves, so he started an Art class taught by a very gifted student named Annabelle. Everyone was learning how to draw people by these little wooden people that you could bend and stuff. Dumbledore was a bit impatient (and sort of horny) and he thought that everyone should draw REAL people. So one class, this naked woman walked in and sat on a table in the center of the room. All of the girls looked as if they had just smelt something _really_ bad and I'm not going to say what the boys did because you can probably guess. (Ron threw himself at her a couple of times) Except for Keanu. Keanu was very mature for 13 and acted as if the woman was fully clothed. He looked at Paige across the room and smiled. Now, Paige knew that Keanu was a mature boy, but she expected him to act a _little_ more like the rest of the boys in her age group. Of course, though, she was thrilled that he didn't. Most of the kids were improving greatly at drawing except for a select group of boys that were hopeless.

"I really like this new Art class," Erica said.

"Yeah, it's really fun," Leila said.

"I just wish the boys would act more serious," Paige said. "Those stupid boys are so constantly horny. It's so annoying!"

"You're telling _me_!" Hermione said. "I spent 2 years alone with Ron and Harry,"  
"Harry's not that bad, but Ron is another story," Leila said. They told stories of what Ron had done in the past.

"Well, today he threw himself at the new model. Again,"

"He tied me up! Four times!"

"He spends almost all of his free time searching for a girl who will consider him as a reasonable guy,"

"He makes snide comments about all of the happy couples,"

"BECAUSE he is just a jealous punk," Letting their anger towards the boys out on Ron was making them feel extremely good.

"He practically stalks you, Hermione,"

"No way,"

"Yes, I've seen it too,"

"Bastard,"

"CRAZY PSYCHO bastard,"

"Fo sho… just kidding," The girls laughed and stopped.

"I think that Keanu is the complete opposite of Ron," Erica said. Paige nodded and smiled.

"Did you see how he reacted towards the naked women?"

"Yeah. Like they weren't even there,"

"That's what I love about him," Paige said. "He's so… so…"

"Mature?"

"Romantic?"  
"Brave?"

"Funny?"

"Sensitive?"

"Sweet?"

"Sexy?" The girls asked. Paige smiled.

"Yeah. And more," The girls agreed with nods. And where were the boys during this? Well, they were sitting in the moving staircase room, trying to pick up girls. Except for Keanu, of course. (**a/n:** like you couldn't have guessed). He was doing extra credit for Potions even though he was a straight A student. And he was one of the only Gryffindors that Snape liked and respected.

"I love him," Paige said. All of the boys hated Keanu for the exact reason that all of the girls loved him. He had a six pack (**a/n:** :D) All of the boys were jealous because they knew that that was a fraction (FRACTION. The rest is because he is a beautiful person. On the inside and the outside) of the reason that Keanu was such a charming, appealing boy. (**a/n:** boy, is he)


	19. Around the Corner

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 19

Winter break was around the corner and all of the children were restless. Fewer kids were going home this year then any other year (only 3rd year Gryffindors). Only Hermione and Seamus. That meant two whole weeks of freedom. FREEDOM. The rest of the school was going home as planned. In fact, more kids than usual were going home this year and it only left around 10 kids that were not 3rd year Gryffindors. There was only going to be one teacher who was staying for the vacation, and that teacher was Annabelle! IF she could qualify as a teacher. Art is a class! No supervision. The castle was 'programmed' to put food on the table and make beds every day. Life would be great.

But there was still two weeks of school left.

"Crap, I can't wait until winter break," Leila said. Everyone rolled their eyes… because they all felt the same. It was midterms week so everyone was studying.

"I hate this," Erica said.

"I love this," Once again, everyone thought that Hermione was out of her geek/know-it-all stage but she just proved us wrong.

Meanwhile, there was chaos in the Slytherin house.

"What are you _talking_ about?" Malfoy screamed at Crabbe. "Merlin's beard was 4 feet long!"

"No way!" Crabbe yelled. "It couldn't be that long. It was 3 and a half,"

"I distinctly remember Professor Hudeglock say that it was 4,"

"Nope, it was 5,"

"FIVE!" everyone yelled. It was found to be that that small voice actually belonged to B.N.P (Bloody Nose Picker). (**a/n:** disgusting, isn't it?)

"Get away you Bloody Nose Picker!"

"'S my name!" he yelled. His teeth stuck out from underneath cracked lips and one of his eyes faced outwards. His robes were ripped and his hair greasy. "I've got the best memory in Hogwarts. It was 5," The rest of the children, disgusted with B.N.P., dismissed the subject because he had taken part in the conversation. "I'll be back," he whispered to himself. "I'll get those bloody not Bloody Nose Pickers. If it's the last thing I do,"


	20. Winter Break Begins Party Time

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 20

"It's winter break!" Leila screamed, ripping up her Potions notes even though she should have kept it to study for her finals.

"I know!" Orly said, wrapping his arms around her. "I'm so excited!" His beautiful English accent echoed throughout the hallway.

"I love you're accent" Leila said.

"It's the same as everyone else here," he said.

"Yes, but I love it on you," Leila said. They started making out in the middle of the hallway when Professor Snape came along with his suitcases.

"10 points from Gryffindor," he said in his sneaky, sly voice.

"But only I'm in Gryffindor," Leila said.

"And it's not school anymore. You can't do anything," Orly said proudly. Snape grumbled and left.

"Yes!" the two said.

"Lets go back to the common room," Leila said.

"Ok,"

"PARTY!" Harry yelled, once again. All of the party supplies appeared and the music started blasting. Everyone started jumping around like idiots. Then someone got alcohol. Harry, Ron, Ethan, Nevile, Orly and Erica all took beers because they wanted to "explore". Leila and Paige knew the dangers of alcohol, and each just took a shot to get a little tipsy. Of course, Keanu took nothing because he is a very responsible young man and knew about what could happen if he drank. Then everyone (except for Keanu) got drunk, except for Paige and Leila who just got a little tipsy. Harry, Ron, Ethan and Nevile then went upstairs to do weird boy things. (**a/n:** can't you just guess?) Paige and Leila then made up names for each other. Paige was Scott and Leila was Michael. Keanu, although not even tipsy, started acting crazy because it was really the only time he could go crazy not care. Then, Orly, Paige, Keanu and Leila started acting (because they were) and Leila and Orly started making and so did Paige and Keanu… once again. There were no teachers _anywhere_ so everyone could do exactly what they wanted. (**a/n:** :D)


	21. An Update and Erica's Realization

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 21

During the second day of winter break, some of the kids from Slytherin (but also had good intentions) broke into Dumbledore's office and stole some money so that they could buy a couple of big screened TVs for all of the kids who where staying for the holidays. So the girls' and boys' dormitories for the 3rd year Gryffindors both had and so did a couple of other dormitories.

Of course, the boys used their new TV for weird boy things (**a/n:** can't you just guess?) and the girls used theirs for watching sitcoms and MTV (and movies on demand! Duh) Of course the bill would go to Dumbledore but he would never know because he just pays his bills without paying any attention to what he is paying for.

Leila had moved into Orly's room for the holidays.

Everyone spent most of their time chilling in the common room and enjoying vacation. Sometimes they would go outside and play in the new snow, but rarely. (Lazy)

Danielle (Izzy the Rat-Boy's ex) had stayed for winter break and had found another boy who loved her oh-so much. His name was James and he was in Ravenclaw… like her. (**a/n:** I think) He was tall and handsome and they were always making out in the broom closet. (**a/n:** haha Danielle)

Jub had gone home for the holidays but would soon be back, seen with the girl with the HUGE butt.

"Hey, what's kickin'?" asked Seamus in his very fake American accent as he entered the common room.

"Nothing," Ethan mumbled. "Why do you _do_ that?"

"What?"

"That stupid fake accent,"

"What are you talking about?" Seamus asked. Ethan sighed and went back to reading a book called "The Deformed Lion". Seamus knew that his accent sucked ass but he just kept working at it.

Ethan had recently been fighting more and more often with is Agist about Keanu.

"He's a bitch!" the Agist would say.

"He's a cool guy!" Ethan said.

"You're a crazy shit head," the Agist said.

"Look who's talking,"

The conversation usually ended in a "Fuck this," or a "Fuck you," from one of the two. The Agist, although never officially won the fights, but was starting to get Ethan to see all the bad in Keanu. (There really was none but the Agist could twist the truth a bit). But Ethan was trying his hardest to not listen to that little Son-Of-A.

A few kids would leave the school frequently and go to nearby towns (like Hogsmead). (**a/n:** No that is NOT a contradiction) Erica would leave so that she could escape the attack of couples that had come down on the school. She didn't' like anyone and she didn't know what to do. She had noticed that Ron would stare at her when he thought that she wasn't looking but then when she noticed is eye on her he would pretend that it never happened and denied it when she confronted him about it.

"I don't know what you are talking about," he said.

"Ron, I saw you,"

"That's not possible because it never happened. Maybe you were hallucinating,"

"Ron, I'm not on crack,"

"You sure about that?"

"Why don't you just go to hell and tell the truth when you get there? Ok?" Ron rolled his eyes and walked away and Erica stormed back to the common room where she knew that someone would be there when she got there.  
"Crazy son-of-a-bitch," she mumbled to herself as she walked away. Why did she even _care_ if Ron was looking at her if he was so insensitive. Now Keanu on the other hand… But she didn't like Keanu. Or not at least like that. She just respected him with all of her heart because of the great person that he was and the way he and Paige went together so well. She needed to find someone like him.


	22. Erica's Quick Find and the Attack of the...

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 22

After 4 days, Erica had found the guy of her dreams sooner than she had expected. His name was Leonardo DiCaprio and he had come into Hogwarts to visit his cousin, Heather Croy (-DiCaprio). (**a/n:** HAHA!) He was very sexy (in her opinion at least). (**a/n:** not in mine, haha, sorry Erica) He was sensitive and romantic (in her opinion at least). And he had a six-pack, something that he and Keanu had in common. (**a/n:** :D. Of course) Leila was (of course) still proud of her man, Orly and Harry was pretty happy with Morgan. They had gone on a couple more dates and went to Hogsmead together during the vacation. Paige and Keanu were busy doing everything they might have already been doing. Making tee shirts. Drinking coconut drinks. Listening to Lucky Boys Confusion. Taking naps on some random hammock. Prank calling the Dursleys. Having snowball fights with everyone. Taking broom rides to the Bahamas and making out on the beach when the tide was coming in (like in the movies). Feeding each other cake. (**a/n:** hehe)

On the fifth day, these guys who called themselves the Fab 5 came to Hogwarts. They were really gay. Literally.

"AAAAH!" Izzy the Rat-Boy said. "They're so gay! AAAAH!" (his laugh is weird).

"Ok," one guy named Thom said. "We're here to evaluate all of the boys!" He seemed excited.

"Right," another named Kyan said. "And whoever needs our powers will get it!"

"Isn't that just _magical_?" One named Carson said. (**a/n:** THE FAB 5 ROCKS! Also, they sorta can read minds and know what everyone's personalities are like) So all of the boys that had stayed for winter break lined up in a row. The girls got to watch. First came Leo.

"You're pretty good. We've just _gotta_ do something about that hair, though," So in came the hair stylist and he did his work. "Fix that little bit of snobbiness that you got from being a star when… well, never mind," Next came Harry.

"You're great. Just a tad messy though," One of the Fab 5 came in and fixed up his clothing and made his hair look cool. "Great! You've gotta have more confidence though," Then came Orly.

"Eh, we think the goatee's gotta go." So the hair stylist came in again and shaved off his goatee. "Good,"

"NOOOOOO!" Leila screamed. She loved his goatee. Anyway, after Orly came Nevile.

"Uhhh," they said. "You need some work," So Carson brought out some cool new clothing and the hair guy did Nevile's hair. And Kyan taught him some new grooming habits because his sucked ass. "More confidence please! Look at you! You look like there is no person on Earth who likes you at all," After Nevile came Izzy the Rat-Boy.

"Well, the hair's kinda weird,"

"But this is a new haircut!" Izzy the Rat-Boy protested.

"Doesn't matter," So the hair guy came in and gave Izzy the Rat-Boy a haircut that actually made his ears look normal sized. "And cut out that ridiculous laugh," After Izzy the Rat-Boy came Ron. Oh my god.

"You're the worst!" they said. Ron was wearing that weird hat with the strings because he was constantly cold and his clothing consisted of something that Samson Hertz would wear but maybe worse. He was wearing weird plaid pants and a black vest with a red and green striped shirt underneath. Too bad that would have looked a LOT better on Samson. Everyone who had come came into the room. The hair guy did Ron's hair and actually made his hair look sorta hot. Then Carson confiscated his clothing and he stood there in his Power Rangers underwear until they could find something that Ron could wear that would make him more appealing. When they were all finished, they said, "Well, he still sucks but that's the best we can do," Ron looked fairly ok. Then came Ethan.

"Oh, he's cute," Carson said to Kyan. (**a/n: **HAHA!) "But get out of that tee shirt!" He brought out some cool shirts and then Ethan was done. "You're sweet," Then there were some random kids from other houses and finally last but unquestionably not least came Keanu.

"Wow," the guys said. "He's got it goin' on," (**a/n:** HAHA who's sad now?) "He's got the hair,"

"The clothes,"

"The skin,"

"The body," (**a/n:** FO SHO!)

"The eyes"

"He's hot," Paige grinned at Keanu and he returned it.

"OOH and the smile," Carson said.

"Oh and he's romantic and sensitive!"

"And funny,"

"AND PERFECT!" one screamed. Keanu laughed. "Got a girlfriend?" one asked. (**a/n:** It's not like they were interested. They just wanted to know)

"Yeah," Keanu said laughing. He pointed to Paige.

"Lucky, lucky girl," someone said. "I envy you," he said pointing. Paige laughed.

"I know. You should," She and Keanu exchanged a dotingly look. So after Keanu, the Fab 5 left and everyone went back to the common room.


	23. The Return of BNP!

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 23

In the common room, everyone examined the boys' makeovers more closely.

"You look absolutely fantastic!" Erica said to Leo. "I loved your old hair but I love your new hair more!"

"Nice hair Harry!"

"Nevile, they really dissed you back there. But you look good,"

"Leo, great hair,"

"Ron, you look… better"

"Keanu, you look great!" Paige said.

Keanu laughed. "They didn't do anything to me!"

"Exactly," she said and they kissed.

"NOOOO!" Leila was screaming as she touched Orly's face. "NOOOO!"

"It's alright," he said to her. "It'll grow back in a day or two,"

"I CAN'T WAIT!" she screamed.

"You will," he said. They hugged. After everything calmed down some kids went back to their rooms and some stayed.

"Does anyone want to play Chinese Checkers?"

"Sure" one voice said but no one else. And no one knew who's voice that was.

"Who said that?"

"OH NO!"

"Oh yes! It's me! BNP!" Everybody groaned especially Nevile because he had a bloody nose at that moment.

"I'm here for you, Nevile," BNP said. He jumped onto the couch and then onto the table so that no one could try and catch him before he got to Nevile. He then jumped onto Nevile, knocking him to the floor. Erica, Harry, Keanu and Ethan jumped up and started to pull BNP off of him. But BNP grabbed onto Nevile's shirt and started to stretch out his shirt.

"NO!" Nevile screamed. "Just let him do it!" he said. He liked his new look. (**a/n:** but he was still goofy) The four kids let go in surprise and BNP continued to do what he had come for. (**a/n:** I didn't put it because I didn't think you needed/wanted to hear it) The kids watched in horror. Finally, BNP got up, flashed a grin at the terrified teenagers and left.

"Oh my god," Erica said. "Oh my god,"

"I've never experienced anything like that," Keanu said softly.

Ethan stayed silent. He just stared at where the whole thing had taken place. Harry looked at Ethan.

"Ethan, are you ok?" Harry asked. Ethan didn't say anything.

"Ethan?" He didn't say anything but he went to go sit down on the couch.

"What's the matter, Ethan?" Erica asked.

"I'm sorry," he said, sighing lightly. "It just reminded me of something on television that I saw,"

"What?"

"America's Most Wanted. It was this guy who would punch out their victims, give them bloody noses, and then he'd like rape them and stuff and then he'd stuff things up their nose,"

"Oh my god,"

"Yeah, but this isn't America," Harry said.

"It doesn't _really_ matter," Keanu said.

"Yeah," Ethan agreed. "Lots of those guys flee from the country,"

"But how would he get _here?_ Most Muggles for _England_ can't get _here_." They looked at each other.

"This is weird," Erica said. "Maybe we should ask Dumbledore or something,"

"NO," Harry said. "I've been through this. Twice. Don't ask Dumbledore," They had to figure out a different plan then.

"Well, we've got to tell everyone else,"

"Yeah,"

"I'm tired,"

"Yeah, me too," So they went up to their dormitories to get ready for whatever would come for them tomorrow.


	24. The Plan and the History Lesson

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 24

"So we think that BNP might be related to this guy," Keanu said as he explained what was going on to everyone.

"Not again," Ron said.

"Shut up, Ron," Leila said.

"That is unbelievably creepy," Paige said.

"I know!" Erica said. "How gross can you get?"

"Obviously pretty gross," Ethan said.

"Yeah, yeah," replied Erica.

"And I experienced it!" Nevile said.

"Yeah and we watched it happen," Ethan said.

"Ugh, it was disgusting," Harry said.

"Yeah…" They all sat silent for a minute.

"Ew," Leila said. Paige laughed.

"That was delayed,"

"So what do we do?"

"That's what we've got to figure out," It was going to be a tough job but everyone was willing to get rid of BNP.

"My mom used to be in the FBI. Maybe she can connect us to AMW," said Erica. (**a/n:** HAHA!)

"That's awesome!" Nevile said. "That would be _so_ cool. To be in the FBI! Wow!"

"Relax, Nevile," Paige said. "We're not going for a job interview. We need to find out about this BNP guy,"

"How old is he?" Keanu asked.

"I dunno. Pretty old though," Ron said.

"Then why don't we look in the library?" So the team went down to the library where they searched and searched.

"It's not here!"

"Not here either!"

"Nor here!" Harry, who knew what they would have to do, was nervous, but there were no teachers around so he really shouldn't have been.

"We've got to go in the Restricted section," he said. He shuddered. Everyone knew from the stories that he had told what he had done in his first year at Hogwarts. He pushed the lock over and opened the gate. "Can someone else go in first?" So Keanu went in first because he was such a brave boy. He was followed by Harry, Ethan, Ron, Paige, Erica, Leila and finally Nevile. They picked through the shelves until they found something. Erica found a book called "Famous American and English Wizard Criminals That Like Noses". Wow, that's oddly specific. Everyone gathered around an old table that was covered in dust. Erica scanned the index.

"B, BNP, Bloody Nose Picker. AHA!" she said. "Page 328," She flipped to the page. There, there was a title that said, "Americas Most Wanted: Bloody Nose Picker (BNP)"

"Wow. This thing is good," Paige said. Everyone nodded in agreement. Erica started to read.

"In 1777, a small boy was born with the name of Ilard Pendin Daily, or I.P. Daily in Canterbury, England," she started. (**a/n:** you have to read I.P. Daily out loud) "I.P. was a small boy who liked to follow people around. The boy was a listener, not a talker, so everyone around him relied on him to remember things for them. I.P. hated the fact that the only reason that anyone ever talked to him was because he probably remembered something from class that they hadn't. One day in 1791, when he was 13, he felt fed up so he vowed that he would punch the first person that asked him to remember something for them or ask him if he remembered something that they should have. So that day, when his mother asked him to remind her to do the laundry when he got home from school, he punched her, knocking her out and giving her a bloody nose. He had always been fascinated by the nose and the fact that blood was coming out if it made him happy. But he was also scared about what his mother would do when she woke up and found herself with a bloody nose, so he stuffed one of his toy soldiers up her nose.

"There was a girl in his school who he had a big crush on but the only reason that she talked to him was because he could remember things. So one day, when she asked him to remember what his teacher, Mr. Clup, was saying in class, he punched her out, gave her a bloody nose and sort of raped her. Then he stuffed a leaf up her nose so that she wouldn't be angry with him when she woke up. He realized that this was a good way to satisfy his sexual urges so he started to do it more and more. His mother got very mad at this and sent him away to live with a family in the United States.

"When he got there, he realized there were better looking girls there so he did this more and more. He was getting older and was happy that he had found something that he was good at. So he traveled the country raping girls, giving them bloody noses and sticking things up their noses until finally the cops got a trace on him. Then he ran right on back to England where the coppers weren't searching for him and changed his name to the obvious; Bloody Nose Picker or BNP. He is now in an unknown place. It is guessed that he is in a cave in Uzbekistan, eating sand. Sighting of this heinous villain should be reported to the police or any other person in charge,"

"Wow, we got a whole history lesson on this guy,"

"Yeah but we know something about BNP that this book doesn't. He's right here in Hogwarts," The girls shuddered.

"We should tell Dumbledore when he gets back," Leila said.

"Eh, I don't know. That might not be the best way to get rid of this guy and get him to stop doing this,"

"I've got an idea," Paige said. "Let's go,"


	25. The Idea

HARRY POTTER AND THE SEXY LLAMA

Chapter 25

"So what's your idea?" Ron asked. He didn't seem to be interested in Paige's idea at all but it wasn't like he could have though up anything at all.

"Ok," Paige said as they all settled down. "So this guy is obsessed with noses, right?" A bunch of the kids nodded. "So then why don't we just like build him a nose or something?" Everyone looked at each other.

"That might work,"

"But what about the raping people part?"

"Well, maybe we could like teach him or something that there are other ways to get what you want then making people pass out," Paige said. People nodded.

"But… how?" Erica asked.

"We'll wait until Hermione comes home. She'll help us figure out what to do,"

So winter break grew. The kids spent their time eating magical candies and relaxing in the common room. Some got bored and started on the plans for the giant nose that they were going to make. But they made sure to wait until Hermione got back before they started to be serious about it. Finally, after much relaxation and sexual activity, the break ended. Malfoy came back to school along with all of the people who despised him. Everyone explained to Hermione their problem, and of course, with her bright mind, she helped them figure out a way that they could build a giant nose that would produce (fake) mucus and blood. And so they started to build. They got some art supplies and started making a model of a nose out of paper Mache.

Meanwhile, Danielle and James were having a fun time doing their Potions homework. They went to Hogsmead together and made out in the woods (like Keanu and Paige except they didn't get lost). Hogwarts was hard at work.


End file.
